Wednesday, April 8, 2009

What Have I Done? I don’t want three kids in diapers…

Yesterday, I signed Big A up for preschool. She is excited about going to school and I think it will be good for everyone, including me.

Today I am not only have second thoughts about preschool, but about having three kids, three and under. I am starting to panic. I am starting to think I won’t be able to handle it.

Big A has had five accidents this morning. I think she is going to put me over the edge. Why can she go all day long at the babysitter’s house without an accident and then when she is home she can’t seem to go in the toilet to save her life. I am scared! I fear she won’t be ready for preschool. I fear that I will have THREE children in diapers. Dear Lord, I am telling you now that I cannot handle three children in diapers. I fear that I am just an inferior mother and Big A not potty training like a normal child is a slap in the face. I fear that this little girl that I am carrying is going to be just like her sister. I know from the depth of my soul that I CANNOT handle another Big A. Seriously! I love her, but she is a challenge. Everything has always been a challenge with her. Just for once I beg that something come easy. I can’t handle it anymore.

I am crying right now as I start to breath heavy. I just don’t know if I can handle this life. I am overwhelmed and so disappointed in how my life has turned out. I so miss my old life (i.e., before children). I would do almost anything besides give them back to have my old body back. That is an entirely different post. There are so many things about motherhood that I didn’t expect, desire or want. I am sure I am sounding selfish right now, but I think anyone who in four years has spent the last 40 months pregnant or nursing would have a complaint or two. I am not a good pregnant person and my oldest is not making this pregnancy any easier. My husband isn’t either. This third pregnancy was a surprise and I am excited about the little girl to come this summer, but definitely overwhelmed by the stresses of life without adding a new baby to the mix.

I am feeling lonely and just sad right now. I feel like I am already as big as a house and I am only on the verge of the six month mark. My feet are already so swollen. I still have four month to go, well maybe three and half since a woman is pregnant 40 weeks typically and after Friday I have 16 more week unless I deliver early which I probably will since I am having a c-section and I don’t want the baby to be born on little a’s birthday. I am hoping they will deliver me at 38 weeks. We will see. I am so unlucky they will probably make me wait until after little a’s birthday and go the full 40 weeks in the middle of summer and hot weather.

Don’t mind me. I am just a venting, tired, overwhelmed, pregnant mama who is disappointed with her life and has been for at least the past four years. Please excuse me, now I need to go change my three year old’s poopy cloth training pants as I ponder the questions that keeps me awake at night… “What have I done?” The famous “Why me?” question might also cross my mind, as well as… “When will this pass? When will I be happy again?” “Will I ever feel like myself again?” Great questions to consider as a I plug my nose and grit my teeth and change the three year olds dirty, poopy bum.


Nicole Feliciano said...

Oh my. Take a deep breath and picture the family you will have in ten years (it is what I do when I am wiping butts or doing other unglam mothering tasks). Remember all this work on the front end will pay off. I do know these moments of being overwhelmed. Sometimes writing them down is all you need to let them go. But I also have to say you are a great writer. I really felt I was in the moment with you. use this gift to get you by.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry your feeling like that sweet heart, but if it makes you feel any better I have and do have those same exact feelings all the time, and I only have 2 and I am not pregnant. I know God will not give you more than you can handle, and that you will get through this, and you will be so very happy.

This will pass and your 3 yr old will get potty trained! Saying a prayer for you tonight.